"The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, 'The Borowitz Report'."

Desperate to halt the growing exodus from the Washington Post, on Thursday Jeff Bezos offered fleeing staffers $50 Amazon gift cards in exchange for not quitting.

The profusely sweating oligarch was spotted in the lobby of the former newspaper, gift cards fanned out in his hand like a bouquet.

As journalists lugging file boxes brushed past him, Bezos raised his offer to a one-year membership in Amazon Prime.

“You people need to get over a free press,” he barked at a Pulitzer winner. “I’m offering free shipping.”