The author on her close friend Toni Morrison, her fear of rodents and a 24-hour flight without smoking

Born in New Jersey, Fran Lebowitz, 71, had a column in Andy Warhol’s Interview magazine in the 1970s. Her first book, a collection of essays entitled Metropolitan Life, became a bestseller, as did her second, Social Studies. In 2021, her documentary series Pretend It’s a City premiered on Netflix and was nominated for an Emmy. She lives in New York City and brings her show An Evening with Fran Lebowitz to the UK later this month.

When were you happiest?
The moment I realised I knew how to read. I was five.

What is your greatest fear?
Rodents – including the tiniest mouse.

Which living person do you most admire, and why?
At the moment, Ukraine’s president.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Sloth.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Interrupting.

Apart from property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought?
I spend most of my money on books.

Describe yourself in three words
Extremely extremely exhausted.

What makes you unhappy?
Republicans.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I am shocked to see how tired I look.

If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
Toni Morrison. She was a very close friend.

Which book are you ashamed not to have read?
There are books I haven’t read, but I’m not ashamed.

Would you choose fame or anonymity?
Here’s the ideal experience: that the flight attendant recognises you, but the guy sitting next to you doesn’t.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
I never feel guilty about pleasure.

What do you owe your parents?
I don’t believe in debts to people.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
I would never tell you that.

Have you ever said ‘I love you’ and not meant it?
Many times.

What is the worst job you’ve done?
I just hate to work, so I can’t choose one.

What has been your biggest disappointment?
The supreme court. Specifically the case Bush v Gore, which is where Sandra Day O’Connor – one person – decided the presidential election.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
That I’ve never killed anyone – and I’ve been tempted numerous times. My other achievement is that I went to Australia, which meant I was on a plane without smoking for almost 24 hours, and I didn’t kill anyone on that flight.

What has been your closest brush with the law?
I am very law-abiding.

What keeps you awake at night?
I’ve been awake almost my entire life. I have had insomnia since I was a child.

Would you rather have more sex, money or fame?
Money.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Never say “If I were” – in other words, if I were a man, if I were French, if I were black – because it’s meaningless.

How would you like to be remembered?
I don’t care.